Grease Ball

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Dear Colleague:

Not exactly sure, but it’s becoming more apparent you have a nasty streak.  A passive-aggressive nasty streak.  No matter how many times I tell you, no thank you I don’t eat pizza, you consistently tell me there’s pizza in the kitchen for me.  And if that isn’t enough, you purposely saunter s-l-o-w-l-y by my office, noisily slobbering up a slice of hot pizza.

Funny thing is, did you notice the grease dripping on your hand?

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

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Dear Colleague

Well, well.  So.  I found out through a mutual contact that after I left the horsesh*t job, you abolished my position and created a new, upscale, much better paying position.  You are an assh*le.  I have nothing but contempt for you.  To my face, you acted nice and cordial, and kept telling me you “wish” you could upgrade my position, but that was a lie.  Once I was gone–

Sincerely

Your Colleague

Dear Colleagues,

When I first came to work, I took my homemade lunch into the kitchen, sat down at a table, and cracked open a book. Others did the same. It was my only time for solitude during the day, and I looked forward to it. This lasted about eight months.

But, no Bug Cheese (a.k.a. Señor Jefé) made it a point every time I sat in the kitchen to read to interrupt me with work topics that weren’t time critical for the moment. It was stuff that could have waited, sent via an email, or not mentioned at all.

I don’t know what his problem was, but he made it so bad for me by interrupting me on my own time, that I started going to the park to eat, or to just eat in my office.

Creep.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

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Dear Colleagues,

One summer day – and it was just one time – Bug Cheese’s (a.k.a. Señor Jefé) wife called me for a favor.

She said she wanted to give her old man balloons and a plate of Rice Krispies Treats for his birthday that day, and “would I be kind enough to meet her at the door, take them from her, and give it to him personally?”

Hell, no.

When she showed up, I convinced her (after a bunch of convincing) to walk over to Bug Cheese’s office so she could bestow all the love and birthday wishes on him, her husband.

It’d be a cold day in Hell that I would give him balloons and Rice Krispies treats as a surrogate from his wife.

That is not my job.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

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Dear Colleague,

You, Mister Union Thug, are obnoxious.

It’s obvious that you look for every (nonexistent) reason to blame management for your troubles, and it’s funny how you like to puff and bellow threats to “file a grievance.”

You’re all hot air. Just blow away, Thug.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleague,

That cologne you wear must cost you a fortune. You must put on a gallon of it each day.

I can smell you thirty feet away, and when I walk past your office – peeee-ewwww!

Cologne won’t cover up anything, dear colleague; there is such a thing as daily showers.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Public Phone Call

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Dear Colleague,

Your loud talking caught my attention. This morning, you were walking past my office, and down the hall past other offices. You made a U-turn and walked back, wandering outside and back again. You kept roaming the hall and the reception area while loudly talking to someone on your phone.

We don’t need to hear your one-sided monologue. After all, you do have a private office where you can close your door and talk in private. Do you know that?

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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Dear Colleagues,

It’s something I cannot pinpoint, but it is there.

I never felt a part of the work team, nor a part of anything there at the office.

Sure, some of you invited me to parties and lunches, and early on I accepted. But you all just talked about your job and about people I never heard of. I was the Token One.

I was never brought up to speed or into the fold. So, I stopped accepting invitations.

I never felt I could use the coffee maker. (I did once or twice, and the kitchen fell silent while I brewed a cup or two.) I never felt it was OK for me to use the microwave ovens, nor the refrigerators.

You made me feel all that belonged to you, and to you only.

That’s part of the reason I don’t venture into the kitchen much any more.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleagues,

Can you tell me why you think I’m kidding when I tell you that I despise my job?

Just because you’re under the false impress that you all have some glamor job, that I should be thrilled to settle in a job where I am overqualified and I was hired unsuitably. (That says a lot about the impotent management, doesn’t it?)

I am disrespected. I am not taken seriously. I am the only one in the office with a different category of work, and work that turned out to not be what I was trained for.

Yeah – I hate my simpleton job in Yodel-O Land.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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