Dear Colleagues,

When I first came to work, I took my homemade lunch into the kitchen, sat down at a table, and cracked open a book. Others did the same. It was my only time for solitude during the day, and I looked forward to it. This lasted about eight months.

But, no Bug Cheese (a.k.a. Señor Jefé) made it a point every time I sat in the kitchen to read to interrupt me with work topics that weren’t time critical for the moment. It was stuff that could have waited, sent via an email, or not mentioned at all.

I don’t know what his problem was, but he made it so bad for me by interrupting me on my own time, that I started going to the park to eat, or to just eat in my office.

Creep.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

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Dear Colleagues,

One summer day – and it was just one time – Bug Cheese’s (a.k.a. Señor Jefé) wife called me for a favor.

She said she wanted to give her old man balloons and a plate of Rice Krispies Treats for his birthday that day, and “would I be kind enough to meet her at the door, take them from her, and give it to him personally?”

Hell, no.

When she showed up, I convinced her (after a bunch of convincing) to walk over to Bug Cheese’s office so she could bestow all the love and birthday wishes on him, her husband.

It’d be a cold day in Hell that I would give him balloons and Rice Krispies treats as a surrogate from his wife.

That is not my job.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

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Dear Colleagues,

It’s something I cannot pinpoint, but it is there.

I never felt a part of the work team, nor a part of anything there at the office.

Sure, some of you invited me to parties and lunches, and early on I accepted. But you all just talked about your job and about people I never heard of. I was the Token One.

I was never brought up to speed or into the fold. So, I stopped accepting invitations.

I never felt I could use the coffee maker. (I did once or twice, and the kitchen fell silent while I brewed a cup or two.) I never felt it was OK for me to use the microwave ovens, nor the refrigerators.

You made me feel all that belonged to you, and to you only.

That’s part of the reason I don’t venture into the kitchen much any more.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleagues,

Can you tell me why you think I’m kidding when I tell you that I despise my job?

Just because you’re under the false impress that you all have some glamor job, that I should be thrilled to settle in a job where I am overqualified and I was hired unsuitably. (That says a lot about the impotent management, doesn’t it?)

I am disrespected. I am not taken seriously. I am the only one in the office with a different category of work, and work that turned out to not be what I was trained for.

Yeah – I hate my simpleton job in Yodel-O Land.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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Dear Colleagues,

We really don’t have a lot in common, except for working at the same company.

I’m just not into obsessing over food, makeup, kids, nor getting drunk over weekends. Using the f**k word in various forms as if it’s a contest doesn’t cut it for me, either.

With so many other topics and interests to talk about – oh, wait —.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleagues,

It was hilarious to watch you fall all over yourselves when the congressman, congressional aides, and mayor came for meetings over the years.

What was even funnier is how you all shook hands at the door, and summarily marched past my desk – I was right there! – and you expressed the ultimate in rudeness by NOT introducing me at all. But you did go out of your way to make introductions to the rest of the staff.

Still, it does make me laugh to this day on how funny it was to see you all practically have an orgasm with these “important” people.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleague,

I didn’t realize until today that you are the epitome of High Society.

You’re too busy talking on your smartphone or too high flatulent to drag out your gate pass from your wallet on your own and open the gate to the office park. Instead, you continue to chat on your phone or look straight ahead, waiting for someone else to remotely open the security gate.

Entre vous, Your Highness.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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Dear Colleague,

Do you wonder why I stop talking with you when you’re in my office to ask a question, and you are mightily engrossed in your smartphone?

Are you afraid to look at a person?

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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Dear Colleague,

By the time I saw that you were getting too chummy with asking details about my dates with my spouse and where I lived, and my life outside the office, I cooled the sharing-information thing. As you remember, by the end of the first year of my employment – and you kept plopping yourself down in my office at 3 o’clock each Friday afternoon – I would change the subject to work-related issues.

I thought that would solve my problems with you.

But you added a new problem: You began to take me off emails and keep me in the dark about office procedures and new personnel. Yeah – you thought you were such a big man to make sure that since I didn’t share my private life, that you would not share important business information.

What a small man you are, Señor Jefé, a,k,a, Bug Cheese.

Sincerely,

Your Assistant

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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