Dear Colleagues,

When I first came to work, I took my homemade lunch into the kitchen, sat down at a table, and cracked open a book. Others did the same. It was my only time for solitude during the day, and I looked forward to it. This lasted about eight months.

But, no Bug Cheese (a.k.a. Señor Jefé) made it a point every time I sat in the kitchen to read to interrupt me with work topics that weren’t time critical for the moment. It was stuff that could have waited, sent via an email, or not mentioned at all.

I don’t know what his problem was, but he made it so bad for me by interrupting me on my own time, that I started going to the park to eat, or to just eat in my office.

Creep.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

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Dear Colleague,

You, Mister Union Thug, are obnoxious.

It’s obvious that you look for every (nonexistent) reason to blame management for your troubles, and it’s funny how you like to puff and bellow threats to “file a grievance.”

You’re all hot air. Just blow away, Thug.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleague,

That cologne you wear must cost you a fortune. You must put on a gallon of it each day.

I can smell you thirty feet away, and when I walk past your office – peeee-ewwww!

Cologne won’t cover up anything, dear colleague; there is such a thing as daily showers.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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Dear Colleagues,

It’s something I cannot pinpoint, but it is there.

I never felt a part of the work team, nor a part of anything there at the office.

Sure, some of you invited me to parties and lunches, and early on I accepted. But you all just talked about your job and about people I never heard of. I was the Token One.

I was never brought up to speed or into the fold. So, I stopped accepting invitations.

I never felt I could use the coffee maker. (I did once or twice, and the kitchen fell silent while I brewed a cup or two.) I never felt it was OK for me to use the microwave ovens, nor the refrigerators.

You made me feel all that belonged to you, and to you only.

That’s part of the reason I don’t venture into the kitchen much any more.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleagues,

Can you tell me why you think I’m kidding when I tell you that I despise my job?

Just because you’re under the false impress that you all have some glamor job, that I should be thrilled to settle in a job where I am overqualified and I was hired unsuitably. (That says a lot about the impotent management, doesn’t it?)

I am disrespected. I am not taken seriously. I am the only one in the office with a different category of work, and work that turned out to not be what I was trained for.

Yeah – I hate my simpleton job in Yodel-O Land.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleagues,

It was hilarious to watch you fall all over yourselves when the congressman, congressional aides, and mayor came for meetings over the years.

What was even funnier is how you all shook hands at the door, and summarily marched past my desk – I was right there! – and you expressed the ultimate in rudeness by NOT introducing me at all. But you did go out of your way to make introductions to the rest of the staff.

Still, it does make me laugh to this day on how funny it was to see you all practically have an orgasm with these “important” people.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

Dear Colleague,

I didn’t realize until today that you are the epitome of High Society.

You’re too busy talking on your smartphone or too high flatulent to drag out your gate pass from your wallet on your own and open the gate to the office park. Instead, you continue to chat on your phone or look straight ahead, waiting for someone else to remotely open the security gate.

Entre vous, Your Highness.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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Dear Colleague,

Do you wonder why I stop talking with you when you’re in my office to ask a question, and you are mightily engrossed in your smartphone?

Are you afraid to look at a person?

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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Dear Colleague,

I’d rather work in a zoo rather than to listen to you belch loudly and pass gas energetically and pungently.

The cubicles are not that private, you see.

Sincerely,

Your Colleague

©Dear Colleague and all works within.

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